I have not kept it a secret from many people that Sean and I are faced
with heavy hearts that we may not be able to have children. I have not kept it from people that we are
trying to have a child right now because our time is limited due to my
endometriosis. I am an open book about
what is going on with my body, how I am trying to stay positive, and trying to
make others aware of the true battle that endometriosis is.
Many people are unaware of exactly what endometriosis is. Many women have it, but it is rarely discussed
in detail, and from what I have learned, kept hush-hush because it deals with
female reproductive organs. I think it
is time to make people very aware of what endometriosis is all about…women and
men. If you were to look up the
definition of endometriosis, the most common first sentence would state something
like, “…an often painful, chronic disease in which tissue that is normally
inside of the uterus grows outside the uterus onto organs in the pelvic
region.” Many people, even myself,
might read this sentence and think nothing about it. After experiencing this chronic pain and
digging deeper into what is growing in my body in the very wrong places, I
started to understand the severity of the disease. As I sit here and type this, my body has
lesions growing on organs that are creating issues for these organs. For example, during my second surgery to
remove lesions in my pelvic area that were causing severe pain, a large lesion
was found on my ureter. Thankfully my
doctor was able to find the lesion before it had completely eaten the entire
lining of my ureter. Unfortunately, the lesion
had already started to eat away part of the lining which caused a large hole
once the lesion was removed. In just six
months, this lesion had doubled in size and started to destroy my ureter. I am grateful that the situation was handled
before the lesion destroyed my ureter which would have caused cauterization for
the rest of my life. When I realize what
this disease could have done in another six or so months without being treated,
I start to see what an aggressive and serious condition this is.
After my second surgery, my doctor informed me that my window to get
pregnant had gotten smaller, and that if I wanted to have a child that I should
start trying right away. I was a little
less than six months away from getting married and having a child right away
was not what we had ever planned for. We
knew that our life was not ours to plan, and that God had a bigger and better
plan for us than we could ever imagine.
I tried my best to stay positive.
I told many people that if we were not blessed with our own child that
we would be thrilled to adopt. I kept my
chin up most of the time. Some days were
harder than others. I remember standing
in our back yard bawling my eyes out because I feared that there would never be
a tire swing and tree house in this awesome tree in our back yard. I congratulated all of my friends with the announcements
of their pregnancies…I cried when they were gone. I was never jealous, and I don’t think that I
am still today, but it was hard watching my best friends move into a new season
of the life that I may never see or feel for me. I cried about FaceBook posts or pictures on
Instagram, and sobbed during movies or commercials about babies.
About a month before our wedding, I lost my job. My employer felt that I had too many absences
and that they would not see any improvement.
I was in shock for about a week.
One, it was a month before my wedding, and two, juggling the issue of
how I could be fired for being out
because of issues of a disease that is only truly curable by having all reproductive
organs removed from my body. So, there I
was, 30 years old, no job, no money, getting married, and planning to start
trying to have a baby on our wedding night.
Oh boy, can you imagine my stress? Thankfully, I married a wonderful man and his
support for my feelings and pain and irrational moments is amazing. After a stressful season of wedding planning,
we were married and happy to start our lives together…and to start trying to
make a baby.
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| Picture with my amazing niece, nephew, and my now husband! |
This past week I have had some great strides in life. I have been asked to interview for several
jobs, and one of the positions I feel very pulled to. It is a position to work with and help
children. Some may think that this could
be hard on me, and it very well may be because I do not know if I will ever
have a child of my own. My passion to
help children seems to be speaking louder than the stress of over analyzing
everything about making a baby. Tonight,
I was deflated in my excitement that I might have the possibility to help
children. After explaining the position,
I was asked if there was a program for me to further my education so that I
could move up the ladder in success.
After thinking about this question, I realized that I have been asked about
what I plan to do to further myself in my education several times. Flash back to about 10 years ago…I was full
force at going to college. I started the
fall after my senior year of high school and enjoyed school. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my
life, but I knew that deep down I had a huge passion for helping people. I continued to pursue more education later in
life but ended up putting my torch and love for school down to try to fix many
broken parts of my life. So, here I
stand in this huge fork of my life, and I am trying to understand why in other’s
opinion that I should focus my attention on going back to school instead of
trying to bear a child of my own. How
does one weigh these two things? If my
doctor says to me that I have six months to try to have a child, then would my
focus not be on bringing a blessing into this world? If I am told that I have six months to bear
children, should I stop and think that education is more important? Does a college education make me more
qualified to help others? I cannot justify
a college degree with a child of my own blood.
I did explain in the conversation that my main focus right now was to
get a job to support our household and to try to have a child. I was once again deflated with more efforts
to push me towards a college degree.
Once a woman is told that the privilege of bearing children could be
impossible, that woman’s life changes.
Most little girls grow up playing house and having baby dolls. It is instilled in us from a young age that
we have the “right” to bear children. When that right is at risk to be taken away
from you, time stands still, rooms spin with udder confusion, the one gift of a
female has feels like it has been ripped out from under you. I felt that confusion and pain. I still feel it today. The unknown is scary. I stand in this fork in my road and I choose
to fight for my right and passion to be a mother. Yes, a college degree is amazing, and if I could
turn back the clock, I would have pushed myself to finish when I had the
chance. Obviously that is not the plan
that the Lord had for me. So, for now,
regardless of what others may think of me because I do not have a college
degree, I am going to push forward in finding a job that I love (and not about
how much money I can make or how I can benefit from extra programs). And I am going to continue to try to have a
child of my own from my womb. I stand in
this fork in the road, but I know the road that I am taking…I hope that others
think before they offer their opinion on what is best for someone in my
shoes. Until one is in this situation,
there is no way that anyone can understand the feelings that come with the
disease. I beg of people that know
someone with endometriosis to think before they speak, to research to help that
woman to get through a hard time and to listen with open hearts and arms. It is a scary and confusing battle, but with
a great support system, each and every woman battling this disease can press
through feeling some peace and love.
